Body Image is Weird

While editing these photos, I had a thought I haven’t had for a long time. I looked at these photos and thought I looked terrible, that I looked too big and had no shape and I felt this so strongly I seriously considered not posting this blog post at all. At first, I thought it was just the very flowy nature of the dress, but then I looked at my arms and legs and even my face in some of these and couldn’t help but notice that I had gained weight. I have known that I had gained some weight obviously, and I have been for a couple of years now, but this was the first time I looked at myself and felt like I could really see it. For the most part, I have been happy with my weight gain. I felt like I finally had a body that matched my age and felt womanly, and I didn’t look as frail as I used to. But over the past several months, I know my weight gain hasn’t been because I am stronger and healthy, but because I am a lot weaker and sicker and haven’t been able to work out hardly at all.

This is not meant to gain pity from anyone; this is simply just meant to be a moment and a chat about things we can all commiserate on. Especially as women, this is part of the experience.

I like my new curves, but I do not like the new softness or the new “size” I can view in my photos. It doesn’t look like it in real life, or even in all of my photos, and I am by no means saying I am fat or mid-size or anything like that. I recognize I am still conventionally skinny and thin and I am by no means saying I am not. But the way that I now view my own body has changed quite a bit. This dress is so pretty and very loose and flowy and I really do love it for all of those reasons. And here is what this all ultimately comes down to: this is a body image problem not based on looks, but based on my health issues.

If I had gained this weight and new shape (like I did in the beginning) because I had more muscle and was stronger, then this post wouldn’t even be happening. But because this is a direct result of chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and chronic gastrointestinal issues, it feels worse. It is pain and weakness and not activity and strength. It is a reminder that I cannot go on that hike because my hip is out and driving me crazy. It is a reminder that I am never rested no matter how much I sleep. It is a reminder that I have a chronic illness.

When it comes down to it, I do not have a nice and neat little bow to wrap this up in. I do not have a way to make this better and I do not have any tips to give others except to say that if you feel this way you are not alone. Chronic health issues take so many things from us all the time and it’s not fair, but we have to keep moving forward and hopefully not let it drag us down too far. So I will continue to eat the foods I like that don’t make me sick, and I will continue to work out when I can for my mind as much as my physical health. And I will continue to push my doctors to help me with the things I cannot do on my own.

After putting this shoot farther on my calendar and forcing myself to not be rash, I do like these photos. I look genuinely happy, because I am, and I had fun shooting these photos. My sister helped me take them and we laughed and goofed off the whole time. It was sweltering this day and we got watermelon sodas on the way home because we were so ridiculously hot we thought we deserved a treat. We looked for her Eras Tour outfit this day. I can promise you that she did not think I looked too big, and no one in the parks or stores noticed me either. It was just me.

I will continue to wear the dresses, post the photos, and make the little voice in my head be quiet.

Madey

Shop this post:

Dress- Free People

Shoes- Doc Martens

Sunglasses- Ray Bans

Purse- One Mile, sold out similar here