Put Your Oxygen Mask On First, Then Help Others

It is relatively easy to pretend that everything is ok in our current situation. We can snap pretty photos of the leaves on our government approved daily walks and post them with uplifting captions about better days to come, but I don’t know anyone who truly feels that way right now. It feels like the right thing to say so we say it. We make sure we let everyone know that yes we are stressed and tired of being in our homes, but it could be so much worse, right? We are just being asked to stay home! We are being asked to work in our pajamas and watch Netflix and finally have an excuse to buy takeout a few times a week. But the reality of this situation is a much different thing.

It might sound a little ridiculous to be complaining when many doctors, nurses, grocery clerks, and so many others are out there everyday fighting in the trenches of a global pandemic. But there is nothing easy about any of this for anyone. A few days ago it was released that the US is now the leading country in the number of Coronavirus cases currently in the world. I already wrote at length about job loss during the current situation but it is still something to think of. Yes, there are tons of people out there fighting the virus to bring us coffee and health care, but there are so many more who have lost their jobs and been ordered to go home, stay put, we’ll call you when we need you. The government is supposedly making plans to help in these moments, money given out for living expenses, and plans to suspend rent and bills while we are out of jobs but I don’t particularly trust those things will happen in a timely fashion. Or at all with the way that things run these days.  

I have been struggling a lot more than I thought I would. I figured that since I am an introvert and like to hang out at home I wouldn’t feel any of the repercussions or pain around the quarantine. I figured it would be a nice break from being forced to socialize and I would be able to read, write, and focus on my blog without interruption. Turns out though, so many things imploded and staying home without being allowed to leave was not the vacation my introvert heart dreamed of. It isn’t a vacation when you are forced to stay put and can’t leave whenever you want. There has also been far too much time to think in the solitude that is quarantine. 

While some of my issues lay in the nature of the isolation itself, others are a little more abstract.  Not being able to leave when I want, not having a job, my boyfriend being in another state trying to make money in the interim of this mess, and not being able to celebrate my graduation from college, are just a few things from quarantine that are hard and make me use the word “suck” so often that it is starting to lose all meaning. The abstract thought, the time I have had to sit here and think about life and choices have been the most detrimental. These are the things that have caused the most anxiety and the sentiments that make me say “this isn’t fair” and make me want to stomp my feet like a kid who didn’t get to play with a toy I wanted. And to be honest I feel like that a little right now. It seems ridiculous that I am this upset and distressed when I am not working on the frontlines in this pandemic, and I do understand how this will sound, but it seems important in these moments to be honest with where we are at. So that is what I am going to do here, and then move on from it. Or at least try to. 

For starters, these are all issues I have been thinking about for a while, but have been able to ignore while I do the tasks that daily life requires of me. Getting a degree in English is not what I wanted and I knew that from the beginning. But when it was a degree in English for one more year, or transfer again and have to complete another 3 years, I chose the former. The end goal for some time has been a fashion journalist, and had I been more honest with myself about that early on, things could be different now. It is not the end of the world (something I remind myself of every day even though I joke about the apocalypse) but living in Oregon and having a degree in English Lit makes my path to what I want to do just that much harder than if I had stayed in Chicago, or went to a different school (perhaps in NYC or LA) and done the course work and gotten the internships. All is not lost, and there is still time to accomplish these things, but they are just going to be a litter harder and more expensive. This realization has come from too many Google searches late at night when I can’t sleep, too many articles read on Pinterest in between applying to jobs I know I will hate, and just general daydreaming about not being in the middle of a global pandemic. The longer I write this and think about the things I am stressing about, the more it becomes apparent to me that the real source of this anxiety is that more than anything I just want to start. I want to move and start doing the grunt work so I can start moving on my dreams. I want to get the first brand deal with my blog so that I can leverage that and use it as a tool to show that maybe I didn’t go to fashion school but my passion and knowledge are there. As always, my problem is impatience, and that current impatience is compounded by the fact that even if money wasn’t an issue, I cannot move right now. I cannot get an internship right now. Everything must be done from home. In theory, this sounded nice, but as I keep doing this (and all of you keep doing this) whatever appeal it had, is gone. 

I am relatively lucky in that my graduation date was not inhibited by this. I am lucky that I had a place to go when I was unemployed and someone to help me with some of my bills. But the fact that I was so ready to start my life, was so ready to start doing new things and building up my new life, only to be put on hold indefinitely has been a large blow I am not sure how to handle. Yes, I am lucky. Yes, I am not working in the trenches of this pandemic. And yes, I realize how hard that is and how all of those workers would love to stay at home. But one thing I have to keep reminding myself is that just because others have it worse doesn’t mean that my feelings and my anxiety are invalid. Feeling anxious about no jobs or life makes me feel selfish, so then I spiral into more anxiety and then it is a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over again. So, here I sit at my laptop on the kitchen counter, bathtub, bed and on the floor to try and put on paper what is happening in my head. I am not so sure that this is the way to get over it and move on to be productive but I have no other options. I know this is a little different from the content I usually post but times are a little weird right now, not like I need to explain that to any of you. Feel free to vent in the comments below; we all need a little space to vent without judgment right now. 

Madey

Cover image found here