5 Ways to Support a Loved One with a Chronic Illness
It is no secret that I not only struggle with chronic illness, but also being loud and proud about how to help those with similar issues, and I am here with yet another post to give some tips on you can support a loved one with a chronic illness! If you are new here I will link a post about all of the issues I personally struggle with and give you some insight. These tips are from me personally and things that help me, and I have looked through some other blogs and found that there are a lot of similarities between what I need and what a lot of other people with a chronic illness need. Any time there is a large amount of effort exerted by someone with chronic illness, it means there is going to be a long recovery. Even if you and your family stayed apart and kept a mellow Thanksgiving (hopefully), for an ill person it can still be so much effort and cause so much exhaustion to sit in front of the computer screen on Zoom having to talk to everyone. Below I have listed the top 5 ways you can support a loved one with chronic this holiday season, and any other time they need it!
Found here
Do not say “I’m tired too”- This goes with anything else that your loved one might say; whether they are sore, tired, uncomfortable in any way, can’t sleep, all of it. Having a chronic illness exacerbates any of those feelings far past anything a healthy person will feel. It’s not a regular sense of being tired, or regular pain and soreness, or even regular inability to sleep. The way that we experience these symptoms is so much more intense than healthy people experience them and when someone says these things to us it feels very belittling. It is not easy for us to just suck it up and move along with what we were doing despite being sore or tired; it is so much more than that. SO instead of saying you are tired, sore, etc, just say “I’m sorry, is there anything I can do to help?” and make sure the person telling you these things feels validated. If they are in charge of doing the dishes, but they seem like they are having a hard time, ask if you can take over this time for them.
Do not ask “Are you ok?”- This is always meant with very good intentions, but to ask someone who always feels a little awful, is kind of a minefield. We don’t ever want to sound like we are complaining so unless you see us genuinely struggling and looking worse than usual, do not ask this question. We are doing our best, but this question means we either need to lie about how we are feeling, or be honest and then risk things getting awkward. If they are acting the same as they always do, just let them be and do not ask that dreaded three-word question.
Accommodate their dietary needs- Most people who have a chronic illness have dietary restrictions they have to follow, which can make the holidays a little stressful for them. Even during non-holiday times, this next thing can be so helpful; make sure you keep their dietary restrictions in mind and make sure there is food around for them they can eat and that they like. If you don’t know what their specific needs are, ask them to make sure you catch them all. If you know them all, don’t ask and just have it ready. It will be nice for them to see that you thought that far ahead for them and didn’t make them worry and stress over the fact that they had to bring all their own food for whatever is happening. The same goes for restaurants also; double-check that where ever you are going with them that they have options that take their diet into account. Unless you know for a fact it doesn’t bother them, also do not make jokes regarding their diet. While it can be done in good fun, those of us with chronic illness hear so many jokes and jabs made at our expense for so many reasons that we do not need it coming from those we love.
Unless you are a doctor, don’t suggest treatments- If I had a dollar for every time someone suggested essential oils, certain foods, and meditation for my issues I could pay for the surgery I need to actually make things better. While there is nothing about the above things that are inherently bad, it can just be so frustrating to be sitting there in constant pain and then have someone tell you that if you just dab on some essential oils and eat an avocado you will feel much better! People with chronic illness are often doing everything they can to make things better: acupuncture, diet changes, yoga, medication, specialists, the works. They don’t need people running around telling them that they need to make these changes to feel better. The odds of them ever truly feeling better are slim to none, and this is something that needs to be accepted and then moved on from.
Believe them- This is a very important one that you need to make sure happens every single time they express anything to you. When they are in pain, when they are telling you they feel horrible, when they need your help to get something done, literally anything at all involving their illness you need to believe without a question. Do not ask to go to their doctors with them and hear it from them. Do not say that they should see a different doctor (unless they ask specifically for your opinion). Do not tell them they should get off their meds. Do not suggest a different diet. Let them be in control of the life they are leading and their health. Odds are they have been doing this for such a long time, long before you entered their lives, and they will do it if you stop dating, being friends, etc. People with chronic illness are often experts in their illness, sometimes more than the doctors they see because it often goes undiagnosed for so long. So many chronic illnesses’ are also invisible so they don’t look like they are sick or in pain, which means they deal with all sorts of speculation on a regular basis on what is actually happening with them. So, maybe take a moment and trust that they know what is happening and what to do about it. Believe them. Trust them. Listen to them.
P.S. Be conscious of your chronically ill friends and family members during Covid. They are more susceptible to contracting the virus than regular healthy people, even if they are young and don’t look at risk. So take a moment and think about the people you car.
I hope this was helpful for everyone! Leave a comment down below with any other tips you have, or any questions you have!
Madey
Cover art by Avery Lynch